Saturday, February 26, 2011 0:27AM EST

So lost right now I am truly blessed and have a lot of wonderful things to be thankful for. I am graduating college. Both of my parents are alive. My brother is doing good in school. I have an incredible internship lined up for the summer and grad school though its not definite yet I feel really good that it will work out. On the other hand I feel that all of these things are missing. I feel that my core group of friends is gone and the people that I was once close with have faded and I hate that feeling I did not want these friendships to be just a passing thing I wanted these to develop and I feel they are all evaporating and even though I see my friends I feel we are fake or not real with each other anymore it kind of depresses me. Another thing I hate is the fact that I feel so lonely guy wise...I mean even though I'm close with people there is no special guy and sometimes I myself wonder if there is like a real problem with me or what. It seems like I always get attracted to some guy who has no desire for me whatsoever or the one guy that I find that seems to like me only cares about getting in my got damn pants seriously and when I say you must wait acts like a complete and utter jerk. Oh man I dont know what the hell I am doing sometimes. It sucks sometimes to be a woman with real like career dreams and goals because it feels like at one point in your life you are going to have to choose your career or having a family and that one will have to be put on the back burner sort of speak for it that sucks I am the type of woman who wants to have it all. I want my big beautiful business dreams to be a hardcore reality while at the same time I completely want to be a mother and a wife to someone...shoot in the time being I would even settle to be someone's girlfriend. However it does not seem like life has that in store for me. It is so sad that as many wonderful career goals and dreams that I achieve are happening I cannot be as happy as I want or should be because I have no one to share it with and even if I was to be with someone someday and have the family I dream of I do not think I could be completely happy if I only had that and could not live out my career dreams. So in a world where it seems women must choose one or the other can she being me really have it all and if so how do I do that. I once had this friend also someone that I liked tell me that I wouldn't even really be with someone until I was in my thirties. He said this because he thinks I will put my career first. I do feel that my dreams are an enormous priority however part of my dream is to be in love and have a true companion...little did he know I was thinking of him....I feel that if the guy came along and felt the way I did about him I would totally make the time for him because its what I want. I feel I am rambling now which is probably true mostly because I need to keep writing till I can get this guy out of my mind. We were really close or so I thought and then he graduated and it seems like we are worlds apart. Its weird he never liked me in that way yet he would watch over me and be so close and playful and its like I spent everyday with him for about six months and then I'm cutoff from my man best friend and now I feel like I can never get that close to him again because we could never be just friends because I do feel a certain way for him and it sucks...it hurts me because he really was my friend first and I could talk to him about anything and now I feel like I can never speak to him....I miss that connection I had with him and even though it was never like a couple relationship I feel like we broken up and truthfully I am still not over it. I still think of him from time to time...little things remind me of him and things we did together and I look back and I have a smile on my face which too soon turns to a face of confusion questioning if I imagined the closeness...imagined the idea that he did like me...who knows what I thought was thinking ...maybe everything was in my head and man I should just go to sleep right now my head is ugh I dont event know I started to tear up when I was writing about him which surprises the hell out of me that I can have a reaction about someone like that and part of me wishes that I stayed away that I never got close to him because I feel like I am left with this big empty feeling in my soul...I pray that God takes care of him and that he will be happy no matter what he does or who he ends up with and I pray that God does allow me to follow the dreams that I have that means achieving my career and having my family one day. I pray that he sends me a good man a good companion and that I am able to be there for him as he will be for me. I pray that God just keeps me on the right path and I pray that I have joy in my heart and soul. I love the idea of love and romance and I doubt that the Lord would not want me to have it so I pray he allows me to be able to have that type of love and care and romance for a person that has it back for me. Dear Lord I just thank you for the things that you have blessed me with and that you continue to be there for me...in Jesus name I pray Amen.

I know that was a lot but that was how I was feeling so I just had to let it all out I thought I was done but Im still writing I think that is how it is sometimes you just have to write until you literally cant write no more just to get it all out till you can become a bit numb or thoughtless and today I have been so quiet and not sure why I need to just write to talk...I wish I just had someone here that could hold me and just be there well I will crowd myself in a sea of pillows and just drift off now this is where I shall end for now.